- On December 11, 2018
Kringle Gets Cranky About His Butt Crack
Late 2017 produced a veritable avalanche of Christmas sweaters, posters, memes and GIF images of Santa Claus’ butt crack and there is no loss of enthusiasm for a display of the great divide inside Santa’s’ pants this year either. But unlike 2017, Claus is fighting back and wearing SwampButt Underwear™ (www.swampbutt.com) to keep his bottom covered.
No Laughing Matter
Not content to laugh off images of his backside displayed as he works to fill stockings and put gifts under trees, Claus has a solution that is useful for him and others whose work cause them to bend over while engaged in their trade. St. Nick now dawns SwampButt Underwear™ Made in the USA performance brand to block the view of his ample backside.
The American made undergarments construction provide excellent fit, sweat wicking, drying capabilities, odor prevention and stay in place, even for someone as busy as Santa is every December twenty fourth. “I work really hard all year long to make sure everyone has a Merry Christmas,” Claus told child at heart and corporate spokesman Nick Heraldson. “Along with that level of activity is an image I need to maintain for the sake of the children and their parents. Sure, I’m Santa but I’m also a really big guy, and no one wants to see some sweaty fat dudes’ butt crack, even if he’s delivering presents.” Claus went on, “so finding a pair of underwear that were large enough and made well enough to keep everything that needs covering covered was a high priority. Thank goodness for SwampButt Underwear.”
Larger Sizes for Sweaty Fat Guys Like Santa and Less Stank
There are now seven new color designs with two more sizes added which are extra-extra-large (2XL) and extra-extra-extra-large (3XL). The new colors include: lime green, royal blue, white, red, grey, black, and camouflaged. Santa’s favorite color? “Red of course,” he laughed. The decisions that led to these new products were driven by customer input, questions and suggestions. All SwampButt Underwear is now made in the USA.
These garments also have a ‘Microblok’ technology that inhibits the growth of bacteria on treated surfaces of products, greatly reducing stains, odors, and product deterioration. Microblok uses silver ions throughout the fabric. These ions are dispersed uniformly throughout the polymer matrix (chemist speak for nylon fabric). These silver ions create a large “internal” specific surface within the polymer, and this creates an extremely high efficiency antimicrobial action.
These silver ions are not depleted during the inhibition process; thus the antimicrobial effect of MicroBlok S is not diminished over time. “I’m not a chemist,” Kringle said. “But the two idiots who invented SwampButt Underwear have a background in this type of thing, and they seem credible.” So not only does Santa’s butt not show, it will not smell bad either. “What a relief that is,” Klaus said.
Bow Wow Wow Yibby Yo Drive A Sleigh
Family’s dogs love a bad smell and were all over Santa during his yearly, global errand. Of course Santa loves dogs as much as anyone but they were really in the way creating a tripping hazard and slowing down his progress. “At first I blamed the smell on the reindeer and the elves who get more than a little gamey this time of year, but my butt shares a lot of the blame for all that stank” Santa said. “The smell meant that the family dog was always sniffing me, sniffing the reindeer, and occasionally burying the stinky elves,” Santa said somberly. “But not anymore, because I’m dry and fresh smelling.”
About SwampButt Underwear
Santa Claus is a fictitious character, but SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes a problem-solving product. SwampButt Underwear is trademarked in the U.S. and foreign countries. We paid a lot for it so please do not use it without permission.