- On November 24, 2019
The makers of SwampButt Underwear believe that the origins of ‘Black Friday’ are linked to those who first introduced the idea of feasting, giving thanks and post meal purchasing; the Pilgrims. To commemorate Black Friday and give a nod to those very first post-feast, bloated, buckle-hatted settlers, all black SwampButt Underwear is half off now through the end of November 2019. SwampButt Underwear™ is a real company that makes, markets and sells underwear for men who sweat a lot. It is especially good for men who have visible butt sweat that stains other people’s furniture, car seats and bar stools.
Here Is What May Have Happened
According to SwampButt Underwear spokesman, resident historian and neighborhood crank, Nick Heraldson, the Pilgrims needed to buy or trade for things the day after their big feast. The Pilgrims were not exactly good at the ‘outdoor thing’ and were notorious for their inability to plan ahead. “It’s a well-known fact that without the help of the local/first/native population, every last Pilgrim would have all absolutely died,” Heraldson said. He went on, “the Pilgrims weren’t really all that smart. I mean, if you are going on a transatlantic voyage to a place you’ve never been, maybe pack some food.”
With England and The Netherlands inconveniently located across an entire ocean (the Atlantic) the Pilgrims approached their neighbors and the owners of trading posts for weekend essentials. “Sure, everyone was sleepy after eating all that turkey and dessert on Thursday, but that did not mean that there was no more eating the day after,” Heraldson claimed. “I mean it wasn’t like, okay that was the first Thanksgiving, no more food for us.”
Should We Invite the Neighbors?
According to the website, Indian Country Today, Gov. William Bradford organized a feast to celebrate the harvest and invited a group of “Native American allies, including the Wampanoag chief Massasoit” to the party. “Everyone brought a covered dish to pass which was nice,” Heraldson said. “I guess we need to give credit for the ‘covered dish’ to the Pilgrims and the Indians too. Man, talk about a clever bunch.”
That Friday, merchants opened their bountiful stores, ready for Christmas shopping, and let the Pilgrims stock up on holiday essentials early. Members of the Wampanoag also pitched in, mostly by not taking any leftovers home. “Black Friday was not an official holiday back then like it is now,” Heraldson claimed. “It was just ‘Friday’. And of course, everything was open, just like always.”
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company with real people running it. It is located 50 miles south of downtown Houston, Texas. The only advantage it has are the clever name and satirical news writing style of one of the owners who promises that everything presented here as satire was ‘funny when he wrote it.’