NOTE: SwampButt Underwear™ develops and publishes content devoted to those activities that make men sweaty (because it is always men). This one is on lawn care.
As part of the ‘what makes us sweaty’ series, yardwork…
Were String Lawn Trimmers Invented by the Devil?
July 17, 2023 – Were String Lawn Trimmers Invented by the Devil? Probably not. But that does not diminish their role confounding humans and causing them to use the Lord’s name in vain and more often in summer. Because warm weather means lawn care. Lawn care in the heat means sweat and plenty of it. Sadly, over sweating may be the best thing that happens when using a string trimmer. Boys and men of all ages use so-called string lawn trimmers, line trimmers, or weed eaters, to remove weeds, trim sidewalk edges and define flower bed boundaries. The lawn care industry claims these inventions of modern convenience save time. But is this a false promise? Absolutely. Lawn trimmers are a source of frustration and injury to the army of non-professional grass cutters from every town in the USA.
The String on the Trimmer
Whether a single or double spool trimmer, the operator will spend more time trying to add more string to the spool than actual trimming. The reasons for these are several. First, there is nowhere to stick or tie-off the string when starting to rewind it. Second after the entire spool is re-strung it will unwrap the moment the operator removes his hand. (Yes, his hand. Only men do this, so poorly). Third, if the operator manages to get the re-strung spool connected to the end of the apparatus, several feet of string will exit the spool, and collect in a loose oval. So have scissors handy because no one will want to re-spool all that plastic string. No one.
Additionally, with all that bonus string exiting the spool, leg lacerations will occur. “I have circular scars around my legs that look like candy stripes,” said SwampButt Underwear corporate spokesman and big sweaty mess after mowing Nick Heraldson. “I had been told that women appreciate scars on men. But not stupid scars like these.”
Gummy Gas Goes Glug Glug
Whether a gasoline powered or battery-operated trimmer, neither power source will save any time. Gasoline powered machines require the addition of two-stroke (or 2-cycle) engine oil. It is a precise mixture of oil and gasoline that aids combustion and lubrication. Without it, the gasoline trimmer will stop working, leaving the operator with a half-trimmed lawn and a trip to the hardware store to buy said oil. “Some new trimmers come with a sample of two stroke oil attached,” Heraldson advised. “But who knows what that stuff is when they first see it and what it’s for? And don’t try drinking it because, well, you know.”
Mining for Lithium
Lithium battery powered trimmers are slightly less terrible until the battery stops holding a charge which will always be way before you think it should. “Lithium batteries are very expensive, much more than any other type of battery,” Heraldson said. “If you go looking for a replacement battery at the place you bought your trimmer, forget it. They will be out of them, all the time, every time, forever.” The lack of the correct size battery renders the trimmer useless leaving weeds overgrow the home. “I’m just glad I don’t have an electric car with a lithium battery,” Heraldson concluded. “Those expensive batteries crap out and that electric ride would go from expensive ride to costly statue.”
The Two Stroke Yank
Even if owners of gasoline powered trimmers manage to get the right flavor type of oil, and have stopped the bleeding from their legs, starting the thing is another hurdle. These trimmers use a small rope to start the engine. It must be pulled to start the rotation of a spool that lights the spark plug, ignites the fuel to get the thing working. Sound easy? It’s not. First, there is no place to grip the trimmer and pull the string at the same time. Setting it on the ground and standing on it while pulling can work sometimes but not all the time. Hearing someone yell, ‘grab the middle and jerk on it’ means a balky weed wacker is non-operational. “Men have torn rotator cuff injuries, strained pectoral muscles, pulled biceps and even more serious injuries from trying to start the fool contraptions,” Heraldson stated. “And don’t get me started on eye lacerations and burns from mufflers, and broken windows from small rocks sent flying into space.”
Summary of Weed Wacker/String Trimmer Injuries
Here are some statistics about injuries involving lawn trimmers, also known as weed whackers:
- An estimated 81,907 injuries involving lawn trimmers occurred in the U.S. from 2000-2009
- Weed whackers account for 16,900 ER visits each year,
- The most commonly injured body part was the head, specifically the eye, accounting for 42.5% of the injuries,
- The most common type of injury to the head was contusions and abrasions,
- The most common injury to the extremities was lacerations,
- The most common injury to the trunk was strains and sprains
- According to Weed Eater, some 35 consumers sustained burns when inadvertent contact was made with the hot muffler,
- Most grass trimmer injuries are avoidable and are due to operator inexperience or inattentive or improper handling of grass trimmers,
- Wear eye protection, such as safety glasses, to shield your eyes from flying debris.
In summary string trimmers suck. Find a pair of shears instead. Or hire someone.
About SwampButt Underwear
Most men do not merely sweat for no good reason. Some activity causes it. This time it’s yard work. SwampButt Underwear™ is a real company that makes and sells a product that helps solve a problem; the challenge of visible butt sweat. SwampButt Underwear is trademarked in the USA and foreign countries. We paid a lot for it so please do not use it without permission. To learn more visit https://swampbutt.com.