Menu
October 10, 2022 — There are quite a few regular columns that rate college coaches ‘on the hot seat’ and the staff at SwampButt Underwear decided no one needs another. But as anyone who follows college football knows, the men (yes, they are all men) who are in the most danger of an abrupt and unscheduled employment change are the assistant coaches. A lot of head coaches’ contracts are too big for a buyout. But someone must shoulder the responsibility and slake the blood thirst of graduates, almost graduates and t-shirt fans who demand perfection on the field of play, the state of their own lives and careers notwithstanding. If the school cannot afford to fire the head coach, an assistant is getting the axe.
Here are a few examples of schools where firing and buying out the head football coach is not affordable (yet) and which assistant coaches are most likely to be escorted out by security.
Texas A&M Offensive Coordinator Jimbo Fischer
The brain-trust at Texas A&M allowed head coach Jimbo Fischer to parlay an 8-4 record in 2021 with the future promise of the unknown in the form of 5-star recruits into a contract extension that goes through 2031. A buyout of Fischer would cost the Aggies north of $95 million. So, if Jimbo is not leaving who is? It would be the offensive coordinator if A&M had one.
Fischer is the play caller for an offense that before their latest loss at Alabama ranked 105th out of 131 FBS teams in total offense (335 yards per game) and 108th in scoring offense (21.8 points per). “We are not aware if coach Fischer gets an additional paycheck for his offensive play calling,” said SwampButt Underwear corporate spokesman and loudmouth know it all, Nick Heraldson. “But he needs to fire himself and hire someone who knows how this is done. I’ve heard that Kevin Sumlin is available.”
Oklahoma Defensive Coordinator Ted Roof
Oklahoma head football coach Brent Venables will get $7 million his first season on the job, and that salary does nothing but go up after that. Terms of his buyout were not known at this writing. What is known is that OU paid more than $2.365 million in buyouts and related expenses to bring four prominent assistants on to Brent Venables’ Sooner staff, this according to documents obtained by USA Today. OU got pasted by the always-underachieving Texas Longhorns 49-0 last Saturday. A lopsided beat down on both sides of the ball may make the selection of defensive coordinator Ted Roof seem unfair. But OU’s defense is consistently bad this season. After starting the year at 3-0 the Sooners have now lost 3 in a row, giving up an average of over 40 points in those losses. That’s why Roof will be first appointed with blame. “The Roof’s backside is all ablaze,” Heraldson quipped. “Saying the Roof was on fire seemed like lazy writing, so I decided on ‘ablaze.’ Yeah, I know you’re recording this.”
LSU Special Teams Coach Brian Polian
Head LSU football Coach Brian Kelly’s buyout is around $4 million if he leaves LSU before Dec. 31, 2022. His exit fee drops to $3 million in 2023 and to a bargain $2 million in ’24. Coach Kelly is not going anywhere but special teams coach Brian Polian might be. If anyone thought that the first week of special teams’ miscues were bound to improve for LSU, they were wrong. Last Saturday, a muffed kickoff went right to the oncoming Vols and that set the tone for the day. Followed up with an ill-advised onside kick, and long punt return by Tennessee that set up a field goal followed. The game was out of reach at 20-0 so none of the later blunders cost LSU the game, the way they did in week one against Florida State. Coach Brian Kelly opted to go for it on fourth down three times against the Vols probably to keep his not-so-special teams off the field. “I’m guessing that Coach Kelly decided that going for it on fourth down was the best bad decision available to him,” Heraldson observed.
Houston Offensive Coordinator Shannon Dawson
Head Coach Dana Holgorsen’s buyout is $9,390,000.00 through 2023 and over $7 million in 2024. . Holgorsen will earn $4.2 million in 2022 as part of the $26.7 million multi-year agreement. Holgorson was granted a 6-year contract extension after the 2021 season where Houston went 12-2, played for their conference championship and beat Auburn in a bowl game. All summer Houston was the darling of non-P5 schools among the media. Many picked Houston for a New Year’s Six bowl appearance. It was not to be. Through six games Houston has been outscored 202-188 and that includes Friday’s miraculous come from behind 33-32 win over Memphis. Shannon Dawson, offensive coordinator for the Cougars, seems more to blame for the unexpected underperformance than defensive coordinator Doug Belk, but it was a close call and Belk could find himself on the outs if his defensive teams continue to give away the game at the end as they did against Texas Tech, Tulane and almost against the University of Texas San Antonio. It does not help that through six games Houston is the most penalized team in Div-1 with a total of 59 penalties and an average of 88.1 penalty yards per game. Ouch.
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes and markets a problem-solving product and that challenge is visible butt sweat or swamp butt. The fabric used is specifically formulated wick and help sweat evaporate faster than it would otherwise with traditional men’s underwear. SwampButt Underwear is trademarked in the United States and foreign countries. We paid a lot for the trademark, so please do not use it without written permission. To see everything SwampButt Underwear offers, please visit the SwampButt virtual store.
Sources for this article include: the NCAA, Houston Chronicle, Coog Fans, Sports Illustrated, Football Scoop, CBS, the Oklahoman, Paper City, Team Rankings, Gallery Sports, ESPN, Washington Post.
Comments in this article are meant as satire. No one should take a word of it very seriously.