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October 20, 2022 – The head football coaches at some big colleges are ‘underperforming’ and need to be fired, at least according to the loudest critics, the twitter-verse and know it all broadcasters. Problem is that some of these same head coaches have contracts with really expensive buy out clauses. Most schools do not want to afford multi-million dollar buy-outs.
But school presidents, athletic directors and board members want to look ‘decisive.’ Assistant coaches and coordinators are on the ‘hot seat’ because the head coach at these schools has a buyout clause in his contract that makes firing him an expense the school is unwilling to afford. But someone must take the blame for a sub-par performance on the field. That leaves these men as the goats who will be sacrificed at the altar of unreasonable fan and alumni expectations.
Penn State defensive coordinator Manny Diaz. Last Saturday, Michigan finished with 418 rushing yards, third most allowed by Penn State ever and most since Michigan State ran for 452 against the Penn State football team way back in 1997. Under the terms of his recently signed ten-year contract extension, firing head coach James Franklin seems far-fetched.
Penn State would owe head coach Franklin $72 million in 2022, $64 million in 2023 and $56 million in 2024. After five years, Franklin’s buyout is still $40 million. Conversely, Franklin would owe the university $12 million until April 1, 2023, and $8 million after April 1 were he to leave for another job the same year, according to the buyout terms of his new contract (Source Sports Illustrated). “No one in Happy Valley is reaching for their checkbook anytime soon,” said SwampButt Underwear spokesman and guy who can never find his car keys, Nick Heraldson. “Coach Diaz has head coaching experience, but it was at Miami (shrugs shoulders).”
Alabama defensive coordinator Pete Golding. After a 52-49 loss at Tennessee there is plenty of blame to go around. The Alabama defense allowed 567 yards and seven touchdowns against the Volunteers. Alabama was also guilty of 17 penalties for 130 yards, seven in the first quarter. There were other mental mistakes for Alabama on special teams. One in the second quarter that led to seven points for the Vols. “That number of mistakes makes it a wonder that this game was as close as it was,” Heraldson said. The ‘tide scored plenty of points, taking the heat off offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien, at least for now.” Head Coach Nick Saban is the highest paid college football in the country. His deal with the school extends through 2030. Saban’s ouster for any reason is impossible to imagine. His running for governor of Alabama and winning is more likely.
Memphis Tigers defensive coordinator, Matt Barnes. Barnes defense allowed a 19-point fourth quarter cushion against Houston to evaporate into a loss. The latest surrender was a 4-overtime loss against East Carolina University (47 – 45) The Tigers were ahead 17-0 in the first half. But ECU scored 23 of the next total 26 total points for a fourth quarter lead. Memphis is now 4-3 after starting the season 3-0. “You have to play all 4 quarters,” Heraldson observed. “I doubt that has ever been said of football, ever. It’s good you are writing this down.” Head coach Ryan Silverfield got a $50,000.00 raise after last season. If Memphis terminates his contract after this season, his buyout would be around $3.5 million. Pocket change for SEC schools but significant cheese at an AAC school.
Everyone at Auburn except Bryan Harsin. Media reports of Harsin’s exit from Auburn during their off-week came to nothing. Were Coach Harsin dismissed, Auburn will owe around $15.3 million. If the school lets him go this year it would have to pay 50 percent of that within 60 days. “There seems to be a misconception about how banks work,” Heraldson said. “Few if any banks have that amount of cash on hand,” he advised. “Besides, that money isn’t there in some local bank, it’s in Bill’s house, and the Maeklin’s house right next door. It’s in Joe’s house and in that farm equipment you needed.”
Whoever did this at San Diego State: According to Sports Illustrated, A Fresno State assistant football coach was placed on administrative leave after he punched the glass in the press box, broke it, and caused 2 fans injury from the falling shards. Recent scandals around the Aztec program would frustrate anyone. “What about that assistant coaches’ hand, huh,” Heraldson demanded. “I have not seen or heard a word about that which is a real shame.”
Extra Point: the fans from Tennessee and Alabama. Both sides took turns accusing other of being ignorant, ill-bred, lacking in proper personal hygiene, had challenges processing ethanol, were married to close relatives, or living in a double-wide inside dilapidated trailer park. “Both sides are right about the other except for the double-wide trailer thing,” Heraldson concluded. “None of them could afford a double-wide.”
For Love of the Game
The people at SwampButt Underwear love college football and writing about it. But with so many other ‘coaches on the hot seat’ columns there was no need for another. It was time to dig deeper, stretch further, challenge themselves, and try harder to find another, more interesting way of commenting on college football and its coaches. This is it.
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes a product that helps solve a problem, visible butt sweat. SwampButt Underwear is specifically formulated to help fight against the affliction known as visible butt sweat, or simply Swamp Butt. SwampButt Underwear is trademarked in the United States and foreign countries. We paid a lot for the trademark, so please do not use it without written permission. To see everything SwampButt Underwear offers, please visit the SwampButt virtual store.
References: Sports Illustrated. Auburn Daily. Commercial Appeal. Tuscaloosa News. GoSUSports Penn State.