Thank you for reading this post, don't forget to subscribe!
Confessions of a Sweaty Patriarch. This summer, I’m Jacob. Yes, *that* Jacob. Jacob from the Old Testament. The one with the many sons, the questionable parenting skills, and an instinct for surviving family drama that rivals a Netflix mini-series. I’m playing him in ‘Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’, and while the script gives him gravitas, robes, and singing it leaves out one essential detail: Jacob sweats. Profusely.
While performing under the hot lights this summer trust SwampButt Underwear to keep things dry and drama free.Not because he’s ancient or worried about Joseph’s weird dreams (though he probably should be), but because I’m performing in Texas. In June. In layered costumes. Under a grid of hot lights that could cook a seagull. That’s right: we’re talking full SwampButt conditions. And I do mean SwampButt™—as in the underwear.
They’re beautiful, chaotic, joyful, emotional, and wet. Not just rain-from-the-heavens wet. We’re talking actor-wet. Stick to the make-up chair wet. Sweat from nerves, heat, adrenaline, and costume polyester. If you’re lucky, you’ll sweat invisibly. If you’re not, the audience will watch your character arc trace itself onto your backside like a slow-moving inkblot. Like the Rorschach inkblot test, but instead of an inkblot, it’s the butt sweat blot test.
For me—and other men performing in summer musicals across the country with overactive sweat glands—this is more than a minor inconvenience. It’s a threat to performance integrity. Anything that attracts attention away from the action onstage is a distraction to the audience and other cast members.
Think your fellow performers will take no notice of your soggy bottom? Think again. They all will. Performers in the pit orchestra, the backstage production crew, the prop master, ticket office workers and caterers will make crack about your crack. The one with all the sweat. And don’t get me started on the razzing people you know who attend the performance will give. “We all hoped it was just sweat,” will say your ‘friends.’ And they never forget anything. No one wants Jacob’s performance overshadowed by a dark semicircle creeping across the back of his robe.
That’s where SwampButt Underwear earns its standing ovation. The product was originally designed for guys who endure the heat and humidity from the Texas Gulf Coast. But it’s found an unlikely following among performers who don’t want to look like they just sat in a puddle by act two, or earlier.
SwampButt Underwear’s moisture-wicking technology keeps everything discreet, dry, and drama-free—at least below the belt. It lets me focus on delivering my lines instead of wondering if the lighting tech is adjusting my rear spotlight to “dim.”
Suspend Belief or Disbelief(?)Theater is about illusion. We want the audience to believe in ancient Egypt, miraculous dreams, and musical numbers that break out organically in family arguments. What we don’t want is for them to believe Jacob has a personal monsoon brewing under his tunic.
So if you’re hitting the stage this summer—or even just watching from the front row—As William Shakespeare famously said: ‘great theater starts with great underwear.’ And for me, that’s SwampButt Underwear. Am I saying that just because I invented it and am the owner? Yes. Yes, it is.
About the Author:
Confessions of a Sweaty Patriarch. Harold Nicoll is a public relations professional, SwampButt Underwear evangelist, and current patriarch in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at Brazosport Center Stages. He believes in two things: telling stories that stick, and staying dry while doing it.
Subscribe to never miss out on anything from us!