- On January 13, 2020
From SwampButt Underwear’s leading ‘luckologists’ and ‘scienticians’…
Houston Texans Coach Bill O’Brien Declared World’s Luckiest Man
Late Monday January 13, 2020, the makers of SwampButt Underwear™ (https://swampbutt.com) declared that Houston Texans Coach Bill O’Brien was the luckiest man on planet earth. Why? Because on the day after only the second worst NFL playoff collapse for a Houston NFL team, Major League Baseball suspended Astros manager AJ Hinch and general manager Jeff Lenhow for a full season, distracting almost everyone from the inexplicably horrendous performance of the Houston Texans professional football team. NOTE: In 1993, the Houston Oilers were ahead of the Buffalo Bills 35-3 in the third quarter. The Bills mounted a historic comeback and won 41-38 in overtime for the first worst.
Astros Sports Franchise Owner Outdoes The Local Competition
Later in the day Astros owner Jim Crane fired both Hinch and Lenhow, and lady luck smiled Coach O’Brien’s way. “No one was happier to have a distraction like this than Bill O’Brien,” said SwampButt Underwear spokesman and expert on all things born or chance, or coincidence Nick Heraldson. “The odds of the sports scene in Houston getting worse after the Texans game on Sunday were beyond astronomical. Only the owner of another professional sports franchise could exceed the dismal, defenseless confusion of the Houston Texans with a move like this.”
An Oiler-Like Performance
After blowing a 24-point lead against the Kansas City Chiefs on Sunday January 12, 2020 the Houston Texans looked ‘Oiler-like’ ultimately losing by a score of 51-31. With the goat horns fitted and ready for Texans Coach Bill O’Brien, fate intervened, snatched those horns out of mid-air and redirected them to the crowns of the Houston Astros.
A Major League Baseball investigation confirmed the Astros had cheated by using a camera-based sign-stealing system during the regular season and playoffs of their World Series-winning 2017 season and during part of the 2018 regular season. MLB suspended Luhnow and Hinch for the 2020 season. But owner Crane is a competitive man and was not going to be outdone. Showing his competitive nature, Crane said the team wanted to go beyond that ruling, so he dropped the hammer on what were the best general manager and manger the Astros had ever enjoyed. “Neither one of them started this, but neither one of them did anything about it,” Crane said. He added: “We need to move forward with a clean slate.”
No Taint Here
Crane said that he did not think the Astros’ World Series title in 2017 was “tainted.” Heraldson was skeptical of the amount of ‘taint’ that might be associated with the Astros World Series title in 2017. “Like it or not, there will be a lot of taint exposed going back to 2017,” Heraldson warned.
Predicting The Future For Both
Heraldson predicted that while Coach O’Brien was a decent coach who could win the hapless AFC South more often than not, he would never take the Texans to a Super Bowl unless he bought a ticket or received an invitation from another ticket holder who had an extra ticket. “Look for the Texans organization to do exactly nothing about the head coach,” Heraldson said. “They sell out the stadium to people who pay little attention to the game and advertising to companies who don’t seem to mind that we all go take a whiz during commercials. What a great business.”
For the Astros, Heraldson was less optimistic. “Spring training is a few weeks off. Hinch was a player’s coach, so whoever comes after will have lost the locker room before he’s hired.” When asked what the Astros should do going into the season Heraldson suggested that owner Crane ask the league and the men he fired today for a ‘do-over’ that would set things right. “The Astros are granted a do-over by all involved and it’s like it never happened.”