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The makers of SwampButt Underwear understand what it’s like to sweat through pants, belts, and wick sweat up a shirt. The founder of SwampButt Underwear has ruined wallets and their contents because of excessive butt sweat. He gets it. He understands that a graduation robe may be the worst possible thing to wear when the weather is warm, hot, humid, or hot and humid.
That Robe Is The Worst
Pick the worst thing possible to wear on a warm or even hot day. Rain poncho is at the top of many ‘what not to wear’ lists. While made to repel rain that same quality traps heat inside without any outlet for it. The same quality in rain ponchos that causes campers, hikers and people who must work outdoors to choose wet from rain over wet from sweat exists underneath graduation robes.
What Is Possible
Is it not possible to look reasonably well dressed after spending hours below a black polyester heat trap a.k.a. graduation robe. The makers of SwampButt Underwear believe that it is possible to salvage part of the day when showering and changing clothes may not be possible and even after wearing the most poorly planned garment since the fig leaf.
No One Will See Underneath, Right?
Do not think that wearing a robe means it does not matter what is worn underneath. Throughout the day graduates will take photos with friends, family members, and classmates. There are parties to attend with friends before and after. For those without any friends, maybe going out with family is possible. Regardless, it’s going to get hot and the urge to doff the giant black pole-less tent of a sauna named ‘robe’ will be hard to resist.
So, plan for the robe-less part of graduation day. Wear SwampButt Underwear Made in the USA style sweat wicking underwear to prevent sticking to chairs, bleachers, benches, stools, vinyl restaurant booths, car seats or any other surface where new grads may park their collective rear ends.
The Garment of Choice for European Monks
The graduation gown evolved (probably) from the monks who wore heavy head to toe gowns and hoods to keep out the cold of northern Europe. These are completely unsuitable for American outdoor ceremonies in early summer or late spring. Think there is nothing hotter or more uncomfortable? Keep reading.
What If It Rains?
Graduation ceremonies occur outdoors at stadiums to accommodate larger crowds of well-wishers and loved ones. But if it rains, graduates’ and ‘immediate family only’ are relegated to the gym or some other exhibition building. Some are air conditioned; most are not. “Most of these gyms are too big to cool. Not because it isn’t needed but because it’s too expensive,” said SwampButt Underwear spokesperson and frequent guest for lunch Nick Heraldson. “So, people who really love you will sit and suffer in a gym built right after World War 2 with high windows and those chains that open them that no one knows how to work. The higher up in the gym the worse it is.”
All the while, student/graduates swelter away. Students will sit on the floor of the gym in a metal folding chair, fanning themselves with the program while the dean/principal/student body president/local politician/hired outside speaker drones on about how ‘you are our future’ over a ‘hot’ mike that is too garbled for anyone to understand. “At this point, you will be so uncomfortable you will stop trying to listen,” Heraldson predicted.
Stuck to a Metal Chair
Those wearing traditional cotton underwear will sit and sweat and stink during the ceremonial rite of passage. But those who plan ahead, and wear SwampButt Underwear will be cooler and less likely to stick to their chair when they stand up. “There is no coming back from standing at graduation with the chair sticking to your soggy bottom,” Heraldson said sternly. “Your fellow classmates will remember it forever and remind you of it at every opportunity.”
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes a product that helps solve a problem. SwampButt Underwear is specifically formulated to help fight against the affliction known as visible butt sweat, or simply ‘Swamp Butt.’ SwampButt Underwear is trademarked in the United States and foreign countries. We paid a lot for the trademark, so please do not use it without written permission. To see everything SwampButt Underwear offers, please visit the SwampButt virtual store.
References
The Center for Disease Control National Center for Health Statistics Prevalence of Overweight, Obesity, and Severe Obesity Among Adults Aged 20 and Over: United States, 1960–1962 Through 2017–2018.
The History Behind ‘Pomp & Circumstance’ and 8 Other Graduation Traditions.
Some commencement ceremony traditions, like the cap and gown, have medieval origins; others developed more recently.
CAPTION: SwampButt Underwear will not make commencement less boring, but it will keep wearers dryer.