- On February 22, 2020
When Dry Comfort Creates A Major League Competitive Advantage, Who Needs Buzzers?
SwampButt Underwear Offers Free Underwear To Major Leaguers
What creates a competitive advantage? SwampButt Underwear creates a competitive advantage. Some people call it cheating. So in the interest of fairness, ‘SwampButt Offers Free Underwear To Major Leaguers’ from every team and not just the Astros.
You Gotta Wanna
Some say ‘it’s only cheating if you get caught’ or ‘if you are not cheating you don’t want to win badly enough.’ Other ways of expressing this disregard for gentlemanly agreements and convention include ‘creative problem solving’ or ‘use of the latest technology.’ Not all technology comes in electronic form however, even someone banging on a trash can passes good signals intel to certain Houston Astros batters (allegedly). No matter the sport though, SwampButt Underwear creates a competitive advantage. Because those who wear SwampButt Underwear are dryer, their underwear fits and does not droop, drag or bunch up when sweaty. The materials Swampbutt Underwear are made from wick and evaporate sweat away from the skin way faster than any traditional underwear.
In the interest of fairness the makers of SwampButt Underwear will give free pairs of their remarkable undergarments to ANY single major league baseball player who believes that the dry comfort and compression of SwampButt Made In The USA Brand Underwear could potentially create a competitive advantage for them or their team mates. This offer is good for the upcoming the 2020 season. SwampButt Underwear™ is made from the best material science has to offer for a dryer and more comfortable fit. SwampButt Underwear is much easier to use than cameras, video monitors, garbage cans, someone beating on a garbage can or body-buzzers. No matter the sport though, SwampButt Underwear creates a competitive advantage. So start cheating now and order some here: Swampbutt Underwear Store.
The Best Available Technology Via Mall Cops
Plenty of sports writers, commentators, radio hosts, players, owners and fans publicly air their opinions about the recent sign stealing scandal and use of ‘available technology’ to allegedly create a competitive advantage for some of the Astros during the 2017 season. “The best available technology for the Astros was someone watching tv and beating on a garbage can,” said former major league prospect and SwampButt Underwear spokesman Nick Heraldson. “This system was invented by a shopping mall security guard who would alert the rest of his ‘security team’ that he’d spotted rowdy teenagers skateboarding through the mall. The number of bangs on the can was equivalent to the number of teens he saw.” No matter the sport though, SwampButt Underwear creates a competitive advantage. NOTE: to read more about sign stealing, see this article from Popular Science.
That the Houston Astros could leverage this level of technical prowess, take technology designed for the retail industry and convert it to baseball, was clever. Consider too the hidden in plain site, stealth involved. “Who would think that the regular, concussive, rhythmic can-beating was some type of coded message.” Heraldson continued, “Add that it only happened when the Astros were batting and was only during home games for the Astros.” Heraldson continued in awed tones, “the signal of the opposing catcher was broadcast live to a monitor outside the Astros dugout, where players would watch to see what kind of pitch the opposing catcher was calling for with cryptic hand gestures. Then they would signal to their batter by banging on a nearby trash can. Had someone not said something, this could have continued for decades.”
What’s Next for Baseball?
MLB is expected to release a report about the sign stealing of the Boston Red Sox ‘soon’. Players and former players stated on social media that besides the Astros and Red Sox, the Yankees, Dodgers, and other teams were using some form of video or other surveillance to cheat. MLB has said it does not plan to investigate other teams and prefers this just sort of ‘dies out’.
Any interested professional baseball player who plans on wearing an electronic gadget next year to hit more home runs and make more money can contact Nick Heraldson for free pairs of SwampButt Underwear. His email address is firstname.lastname@example.org.
“We at SwampButt Underwear don’t judge player decisions, we just want to make you less sweaty while you’re making the All-Star Team,” said Heraldson. “Help us, help you. And if you’re an upset former actor, who I last saw in a movie when I was in high school, then send us your address and we’ll send you some free underwear too. You’ll feel better immediately. Being that upset about a baseball game can’t be good for your health.” But remember, ‘SwampButt Offers Free Underwear To Major Leaguers’ who want to even things up and make it fair.
Heraldson said he wears SwampButt Underwear everyday too. “I, like most men, fear that one day the electronic buzzer I wear on my inner thigh to facilitate hidden communications will short-circuit and shock me in the scrotum. Who needs that?”