SwampButt Underwear Presents The Gift of the Magi of Dryness.
A gift is gift for all the wrong reasons in this twisted tale of irony and miscalculation.
Marla was a beautiful girl with even more beautiful blonde hair that swept down to and past her shoulders. Her shimmering mane was part of her trademark, knock-out good looks. Add to that how smart and creative she was leading her big city ballet company all over the world and playing in front of sold out audiences. But like so many artists and performers there was little if any money to be made. After paying for the halls, musicians, dancers, travel expenses and all the rest, Marla was broke.
The irony was not lost on her, to be so successful and practically homeless at the same time. To make things worse, Christmas was coming and Marla needed to buy a gift for her husband, Rufus. The SwampButt Underwear Store.
It’s the Geography Stupid
Marla and Rufus lived in the south where the prospects of a white Christmas or white anything else was zero; like it will never happen, wear a hat, is the air conditioner on kind of odds. It was far more likely that the temperature would be in the high 70’s or 80’s. As they prepared for the holidays, they both were wearing shorts and t-shirts. Not fancy but acceptable by southern standards. Marla fretted. Not over a guitar, but about a gift for Rufus. He was such a good man who deserved to receive a nice gift for Christmas. “How the hell do I get him something nice but also useful,” she thought. Then she realized her mistake of a four-letter word associated with Christmas and resolved to do better.
In A Sweat
Meanwhile, Rufus was in a sweat over what to get Marla for Christmas. As he labored in his start up floral business, he dreamed of giving her a new car, a trip to Europe or some other damn thing women want. Being in a sweat was nothing new for him. Rufus had a condition known as ‘hyper post sudorem operuerat’or in plain language, a really sweaty butt.
Tracking him based on where he sat was easy, just look for wet butt prints wherever his too soaked backside came to a rest. His pants drooped because of the weight of perspiration. His friends mocked him, family members shunned him, even dogs were put off by the site and smell of his puddle of a rear-end, and dogs lick their own butts! Rufus had tried everything to stem the flow including covering his butt (both cheeks) with deodorant, using powders, combining powders with deodorant but nothing worked. He knew this condition embarrassed his wife, especially when they were in public or around her dancers. “Oh, please do not sit there” was something he was accustomed to hearing. These thoughts were on his mind while also thinking about Christmas. What could he do to give his wonderful wife that was practical and useful and free? He looked around his floral shop for inspiration and found it. Pipe cleaners and twist ties? No, there had to be something else. But his mind was fogged.
What Marla Did
With no money, Marla went to the absolute last resort available to her. Tying her hair in a ponytail, she went to the local pawn shop and pawned Rufus’ golf clubs. “He won’t be able to play golf anymore, but dammit, he will have a nice gift for him on December 25,” she affirmed to herself. With the money she got from selling his sticks, Marla went to www.swampbutt.com and got Rufus performance brand SwampButt Underwear. Their wicking ability would mean that Rufus would not be leaving butt prints all over town. Hurray! “Now we can go out in public, have friends, reconnect with family members, and even get a dog,” she thought.
Later that evening, with Christmas approaching and the stress of his job as a florist bearing down, Rufus realized he needed to come up with a plan for getting Marla something and fast. Rufus did his best thinking at the driving range and decided to head there. As he got home, he asked Marla, “hey, have you seen my golf clubs”?
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SwampButt Underwear Presents The Gift of the Dryness