- On March 12, 2020
Swampbutt Underwear says it’s time to rethink spring break plans. At least for 2020. Owners, investors, employees and suppliers of SwampButt Underwear always welcome Spring Break for purely selfish reasons. The weather is getting warmer, men are sweating more, and business picks up. But now Swampbutt Underwear says it’s time to rethink spring break plans. In the age of microbiological hazards, some more dangerous than others, and as a public service here are some Spring Break plans to reconsider along with a few do’s and don’ts as we all reconsider our spring break plans for 2020. This is why Swampbutt Underwear says it’s time to rethink spring break plans.
Rethink Cruises to China and Italy
People who go on cruises assume a good bit of risk on a good day. What with mid-ocean strandings, passengers disappearing while at sea, and the sharing of air in close quarters, it’s a floating petri dish and travelers are the ‘lab rats’ figuratively speaking. “Some destinations suck more than others,” said global wanderer and SwampButt Underwear spokesman Nick Heraldson. “But this year maybe postpone that cruise to Italy or Wuhan, China. You know why.” To read more about how shitty cruises can be click this link: The coronavirus cruise ship quarantines confirm cruises are bad.
Spring Break Do’s and Do Not Do’s
Beer fueled mayhem in mid-March is as American as spaghetti, pizza or sushi. But what starts out as good natured fun on the road for college students, non-students, kids who look older than they are and adults who just can’t let it go can turn spoiled faster than that local beer gets all warm and flat.
Patronize Kissing Booths. Even at half price, as shown, it’s a bad bargain. And look at those hats? They just scream infectious oozing. “Who goes to stuff like this anyway,” Heraldson wondered aloud. “Losers in turquoise hats, that’s who.”
Kiss strangers without proper protective gear. Hooking up with someone you’ll never see again can be just the tonic for those hours in the library studying art history, sociology, women’s issues or some other inconsequential subject. But a lip lock with a stranger who’s carrying herpes, scabies, and has freshly skinned knees may give you an unplanned souvenir to take home.
Share a toothbrush. It’s easy to forget a routine personal care item like a toothbrush. And it can be tempting to use your roommates’. But remember what your mother told you about putting things in your mouth; ‘you don’t know where it’s been.’ “That ‘you don’t know where it’s been’ thing can apply to a lot more things than a toothbrush,” Heraldson cautioned.
Lick stuff on a dare. Whether it’s a doorknob, stairway bannister or other public handle, the hands of a zillion people who all scratch their butts, ears, noses and other stuff grabbed on to whatever it is you are being dared to lick. “Scratched their noses, if you are lucky,” Heraldson said.
Spring Break Do’s
Practice social distancing. This will make private conversations tough, but all that alone time will force you to focus on yourself. “I was stranded on an elevator for 20 minutes once and it was really a time of personal growth and life examination,” a thoughtful Heraldson said. “I was able to pinpoint the exact time and place where everything in my life went wrong.”
Stay hydrated. Whether walking down an empty beach or engaging in some other strenuous but solitary event, drink lots of water. “Since no one will be around, you can pee anywhere you want,” Heraldson declared.
Use Heat As A Disinfectant. If rubbing alcohol, hand sanitizers or even soap are in short supply, heat can kill germs, remove dirt and make surfaces less yucky. Like anything too much heat is detrimental. And use common sense about the sources of heat you use. Steaming out a pot, pan, plate, or cooking utensils with hot tap water or water boiled over a stove are a decent way to disinfect them. Leaving them in the car on a sunny day is not. “My germy utensils and underwear just got worse after I left them in the car last summer,” Heraldson cautioned. “My plastic stuff just got all melty.”
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes a product to help solve a problem; visible sweat on a man’s posterior. SwampButt Underwear™ is trademarked in the USA and foreign countries. We paid a lot for it so please do not use it without written permission. But if you stop to think about it, Swampbutt Underwear says it’s time to rethink spring break plans.
To stay comfortable and dry wear Swampbutt Underwear. Click this link to buy some: The Swampbutt Underwear Store.
PLEASE NOTE: This is satire of a potentially hazardous situation, sure. We laugh at something that is frightening to make it seem less scary. Please be less afraid, have faith in yourself, your fellow citizens and wash your hands.