- On September 5, 2018
LakeJackson, Texas – September 5, 2018 – Another season of college football started and in the words of a gridiron hall of famer, “every Saturday half the teams win, and half the teams lose, but all the fans sweat, and I like pie.” We reviewed the math and his story checks out. And while we can’t help your team’s goal line defense or bake a delicious dessert, SwampButt Underwear™ (http://www.swampbutt.com/) can help you defend against the gruesome affliction known as swamp butt.
It’s going to be hotter than a stolen tamale across the United States this Saturday with temperatures in the 90s and an outrageous amount of humidity. And fans in the stands can expect their game day experience to be rougher than a stucco bathtub as they sit in the heat for four hours and become a wet, smelly mess. SwampButt Underwear is made for these sweaty times.
College Football Fans Agree
“There isn’t much that college football fans agree on except the sun is a giant ball of burning gases, providing heat and light to our solar system, the raw sexuality of watching a fullback go in motion, and the undeniable fact that excessive sweating while wearing regular drawers is just asking for trouble,” said SwampButt Underwear spokesperson Nick Heraldson. “It’s trouble that could be avoided if you just shut up and listen. This weekend you’re going to sweat, and SwampButt Underwear can help by wicking moisture (aka butt sweat) away so it evaporates faster. You’re probably going to drink too much and make an ass of yourself as well, but we can’t help you there. We’re not miracle workers.”
Games People Play
Clemson at Texas A&M: Wear sunblock. And a hat. And SwampButt Underwear. And would it kill you to leave a decent tip every now and then. And don’t expect to see the Aggies with a lot of rushing yards.
Arizona at Houston: Take one exciting quarterback, add one blah offense, and stir in a re-treaded coach and you get a chance for a P-5 to take down a Pac-10 team. Before the disappointment washes over you, clean the pallet and watch defensive phenom Ed Oliver. He is worth the price of admission.
Mississippi State at Kansas State: State has the chance to knock off a Big 12 team (like that’s hard) while making an early season statement that says, ‘the Bulldogs don’t stink.’ The apocrine glands are mainly responsible for body odor because the type of sweat they produce is high in protein. Now that stinks.
Georgia at South Carolina: Winner of the game gets to listen to Jason Isbell. Loser of the game listens to Florida-Georgia Line. Both teams cry every time they watch Coco.
UCLA at Oklahoma: How long do you think Kyler Murray could stay on his feet if the goal was length of time instead of yards?
Rutgers at Ohio State: If he’s having memory problems then why is he still driving?
USC at Stanford: Unfriend 10 random people on Facebook. They know what they did but will jump to conclusions if they don’t.
Solid, Rational Football Stuff
The SwampButt Underwear research and development department recently confirmed that almost everyone has a butt. And a lot of those same people with butts wear underwear. And on hot days those butts sweat.
“Going to a game can be a lot of fun unless the drunk guy next to you is trying really hard to get the coach to listen to his formation ideas, but his third wife ain’t really feeling his thoughts on punt coverage or their marriage,” said the often divorced Heraldson. “Sitting in the sun is not fun either because sweat in your underwear is problematic. We can help. Not with their marital issues or with special teams, but with your swamp butt.”
SwampButt Underwear is specifically formulated to help fight the grim affliction known as swamp butt. Our specially formulated drawers work through the magic of wicking, which is the way moisture travels across a large area of fabric. The further the sweat disperses across the surface the faster it can evaporate. And that’s pretty handy on a hot day.
Who Should Wear SwampButt Underwear
We at SwampButt Underwear don’t know a lot about football, but we do know a lot about sweat. The kind you get sitting in the stands, walking to the stadium or running from the other team’s fans after you point to the scoreboard and yell something about a tryst between their mothers and the mascot. Each activity is going to give you a sweaty backside. And we can help.
The people who wear our underwear participate in all types of activities, including:
- attending college football games
- betting on college football games
- letting their happiness be directly impacted by the collective performance of a group of students participating in a college football game
- golf, tennis, cricket, running, tailgating, fishing, baseball, football, rugby, basketball, hunting, camping, darts, volleyball, Uno, hiking, softball, washers, dice, cornhole, poker and bowling
- many other sports and leisure activities
And most of those people sweat a lot – especially around their butts.
“SwampButt Underwear can help you not embarrass yourself with sweat issues whether you are watching or playing sports,” said Heraldson. “We can’t prevent you from ruining the friendly football game at the family reunion because Auntie Linda didn’t keep her head on a swivel, but we can help you feel dry while doing it.”
About SwampButt Underwear
Men’s Performance SwampButt Underwear is perfect for the guy who has sweat issues south of the belt or just likes to be comfortable. These incredible drawers were created to draw sweat away from the skin and are made with 91% polyester and 9% spandex.
- Form fitting with natural coverage
- Wicks away moisture for improved wear-ability
- Quick drying
- Extends to mid-thigh
- Great strength and resilience
- Signature logo on waistband
- Machine wash and dry
SwampButt Underwear™ is a registered trademark in the USA and other countries. We paid a lot for it, so please do not use it without permission.
CAPTION: Without SwampButt Underwear, the 12thMan is doomed to suffer soggy bottoms, which everyone will see since they never sit down. Yuck. SwampButt Underwear’s Fans You’re Gonna Get Sweaty Series.