Texas Governor Keeps Bars Closed But Mum On Kissing Football Players

Texas Coach Governor Abbott
Texas Governor Keeps Bars Closed But Mum On Kissing Football Players.

Texas Governor Keeps Bars Closed But Mum On Kissing Football Players.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott ordered bars in the state of Texas closed and has insisted that they remain that way due to a recent spike in Coronavirus/Covid-19 cases that are said to be from people who were in bars.

To make his message go viral, he enlisted the help of University of Texas Football coach Tom Herman.

Coach Herman produced a public service announcement to re-tell yet again what everyone already knew about the virus; it’s bad, stay back, wear a mask, wipe off your weights, don’t share mouth guards anymore, etc. Missing from the PSA was any mention of kissing and swapping slobber in a bar, or with an entire football team.  This because coach Coach Tom Herman kisses his players. All of them. Before every game. We swear.

With his obvious concern for the well-being and sobriety of Texans, will Governor Abbott also order Coach Herman to stop kissing his players? The people at SwampButt Underwear http://www.swampbutt.com live in Texas, love football, and are concerned with the dryness of everyone, even Tom Herman. To see our college colors please visit: https://swampbutt.com/swampbutt-underwear-wicks-and-evaporates-perspitation-faster-than-any-traditionally-made-underwear/. 

Yes, He Really Does That
Coach Herman first started smooching the players during his brief stay as head coach at the University of Houston. Both he and his hot lips made a short drive to Austin where Herman now coaches the Longhorns  (New York Times Article on Herman Kissing Players). Opinions about the possibility of a ‘don’t kiss the players’ ban were discussed around the state. “Governor Abbott closing the bars was an attempt to cut the legs out from under the further spread of Coronavirus/Covid-19,” said SwampButt Underwear spokesman and malaprop Nick Heraldson.

“Asking or ordering Coach Herman to not kiss his players though could really cripple the spread of the virus so I wouldn’t have to wear mask or drink at home.” Heraldson continued, “plus, it will keep everyone on the team from being thoroughly and completely grossed out every time the coach does this. There are better places for kissing, like inside a bar.”

Everyone Looks Better
Not to overstate the obvious, everyone looks way more kissable inside a dark bar after a few drinks are consumed. But what of the public health interest? “I think by closing bars, the governor was also saying that it is less likely someone will call a friend or romantic interest and say, ‘hey let’s have a drink,” said Heraldson. “So in essence the governor has crippled both just kissing in general and kissing in bars.” When asked where sober people will kiss without bars or booze, Heraldson suggested, “parked cars are always good, as long as it is your car.” Texas Governor Closes Bars But Remains Mum On Kissing Football Players.

How SwampButt Underwear Works

How the undergarment works and what it is made of are related. First, there is the phenomena of ‘wicking’ which is the way moisture travels across a larger area of fabric. The more and further moisture (in this case sweat) can disperse across a surface, the faster it can evaporate. Imagine a squeegee pulling water across a windshield. When spread to a larger surface are, the water on the windshield evaporates faster. Or push rain water across a drive way or parking lot into a larger surface area and it also evaporates faster.
The same thing happens with our garment. Sweat wicks across a larger area and evaporates faster because of this. The rate of wicking is related to the materials and the way sweat spreads across them. Polyester fibers are hydrophobic because they are really plastic and will not absorb moisture. Our performance undergarments are made from lycra and polyester fibers. The brief style from cotton and lycra.


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