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September 5, 2023 – Where are the hottest and most humid, wind free places for college football week two and what can be done about it? Not much except hydrate, wear loose clothing and the right type of underwear. SwampButt Underwear™ was made for men who sweat a lot and especially for those same men who live and work in climates that are hotter and more humid than others. Plenty of these same men attend college football games and plenty of them suffer from swamp butt. It’s enough to make a self-conscious man stay home. Almost. The remedy? Wear SwampButt Underwear™ College Football Week Two.
Based on the latest atmospheric and climate technology available combined with experience, insight, and an open window, are week two’s most miserable locations.
This is based on heat, humidity, game time of day, and the possibility of a breeze, or not. Here are the worst ranked in order of discomfort.
Houston’s Rice Stadium is a collection of tin benches mounted on concrete in a big circle. It could double as a solar oven and will feel like that when the University of Houston rides across town to renew their rivalry with their former Southwest Conference foes, the Rice Owls. What will it be like for those who show up? “Imagine a flat tire on a city freeway that takes five hours to repair,” said SwampButt Underwear corporate spokesman and muse, Nick Heraldson. “Imagine also that the restrooms on that freeway were last updated when Eisenhower was president, ice in drinks was only for the wealthy and the walk from the ‘parking lot’ was more like a poorly lit, cross-country death by ordeal or chapter from the ‘Hunger Games’ and that is what the game will be like.”
2. Utah at Baylor (McLane Stadium, Waco, TX.)
There were plenty of reasons to make this the most uncomfortable game of the week as it will get hotter as the day goes on. It was also a top contender as no beer is sold at Baylor games. “No beer and heat make Nick go crazy,” Heraldson blabbered.
This game is a very slight third to Houston and Waco because of the later start time and lower humidity. “Comparing comfort levels at this game to the one in Houston is difficult with a single distinction,” Heraldson said. “The stadium and concessions at Amon Carter will be way better than those at Rice, mostly because the concession stands in Fort Worth will be open in sharp contrast to those at Rice, which will mostly be closed or closed when the third quarter starts.”
Kudos to Ole Miss for scheduling a non-conference road game against a non-power 5 school. Of course, this game was scheduled years before Tulane got better, won their conference, and played in a New Year’s 6 Bowl. But Tulane has another weapon. “The stink of New Orleans would make a Frenchman gag,” Heraldson stated. “Open sewers in a city below sea level, streets littered with last night’s puke and the overall ‘stank’ make for a mélange of smelly like none other. But I guess if you live there, you get used to it.”
The return engagement between schools who are both known to underperform will feel like walking through and sitting in pancake syrup. “Fans in attendance at this game are the real losers as their condition will be a combination of hot and sticky,” Heraldson said. “The high humidity dissipates evaporative cooling which will mean that once fans get wet from sweat, they will stay mostly wet. Mostly.”
It Is Still Summer
In early September, the fall college football season starts, though summer seldom makes any concession based on a turn of the calendar page. In terms of weather on opening weekend for college football, September 1st might as well be August 32. The same thing extends to week two through September and October.
Who the Weather Really Affects
One often wonders whether the weather will make a difference in the outcome of a college football game. Will rain dictate running more than passing, or snow affect the footing or will the heat show who has the better conditioning? It is hard to say how any team will respond as predicting game outcomes based on weather is mostly a guessing game, or for those with spreadsheets, an educated guessing game. But there is one certainty that does not require software or computation and that is if there is the potential for game day misery on account of the external atmospheric conditions, those in attendance will be in the most distress.
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes a product designed to help solve a problem, the challenge of visible butt sweat. SwampButt Underwear is made in the USA and is trademarked in the United States and other countries. We paid a lot for it so please do not use the mark without written permission.