Because some college football games are decided by schemes, some by talent, and some because one team’s backside just can’t handle the humidity. Every week college football teams across the fruited plain lose games they should not while other emerge victorious when their victories ought to have been a lead pipe cinch. “Sports in general and following the team from where you graduated are part of the American culture,” said surprisingly insightful bystander and SwampButt Underwear spokesman Nick Heraldson. “Our shared beliefs, rituals, and loyalties are all or part borrowed from sports.”
Entire sports radio, blogosphere and television programs devote hours of really expensive time to discussing reasons for why one team will win while another will not. ESPN’s ‘Game Day’ and Fox Sports ‘Big Noon Kickoff’ are national programs that are aired before college football games begin. The day starts at noon eastern time and extends well into the night and even the next morning with games aired in prime time and other tilts in the western U.S. and Hawaii stretching past midnight.
Week 12 of the college football season lands on Saturday, November 15, and the weather is out here doing its best impression of a defensive coordinator: confusing, relentless, and determined to make somebody miserable.
To help make sense of it, we once again turn to the SwampButt Scale of Sultry – a simple but brutally honest index that rates each game’s sweat factor from 1 (crisp and comfy) to 10 (industrial-strength underwear required). We also call out which team enjoys the Sultry Advantage – the one more accustomed to living, practicing, and thriving in the stickiness.
Scale: 1 = Dry & brisk, 10 = “Why does my spine feel damp?”
The SwampButt Scale is a humidity-forward, discomfort-driven, sweat-probability metric crafted for college football environments where the weather does not merely “factor in” to the game—it actively sabotages it.
Teams accustomed to heat, humidity, and swamp-like conditions develop a physiological tolerance: improved sweat efficiency, better hydration timing, and mental resilience to playing in what feels like a damp greenhouse.
Teams from cold or dry regions often fade in the second half when the humidity starts winning battles their defensive line cannot. Limited data confirms that individuals and teams who drill and practice in the heat are better conditioned than those from nicer more temperate climates. “That’s a true fact, you can look it up on the Google if you don’t believe it,” Heraldson charged.
Links to Week 12 Broadcasts
No. 1 Ohio State vs. UCLA, 7:30 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 15
No. 2 Indiana vs. Wisconsin, 12 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 15
No. 3 Texas A&M vs. South Carolina, 12 p.m. on Saturday, Nov. 15
Whether scouting matchups, tracking potential upsets, or simply observing which teams will be battling the elements as much as each other, the Week 12 SwampButt Scale offers a uniquely honest, scientifically adjacent snapshot of college football weather misery.
May forecasts be accurate, your picks be profitable, and your underwear remain mercifully dry.
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes and sells underwear for men who suffer from visible butt sweat commonly known as ‘swamp butt.’.(And we really like college football). Founded in the sweltering heart of Texas, SwampButt Underwear designs performance undergarments for men who sweat — a lot. All SwampButt Underwear is made in Texas. With a brand voice as bold as its fabric technology, SwampButt Underwear helps its customers fight embarrassing perspiration with comfort, honesty, and a little humor. SwampButt Underwear™ is trademarked in the United States and foreign countries. It was really expensive so please do not use it without permission.