September 17, 2025 (Lake Jackson, Texas) After the first week of predictions as an addition to the SwampButt ‘Scale Of Sultry’ ratings, and a 100% accuracy rate, SwampButt Underwear presents its ‘Scale of Sultry’ for college football week four. The ‘Scale of Sultry’ was originally designed to inform local fans what to expect at their respective stadiums in terms of heat and humidity. A numeric scale of 1 (not sultry at all) to 10 (unbearably sultry like Singapore or Clute, TX) takes game time temperature, humidity, wind direction, wind speed, cloud cover, and precipitation and assigns a single number.
For Week Three of the college football season, SwampButt Underwear will again predict the school it believes has the advantage based on game day conditions and the climate in which the teams practice. “Our premise is that schools in places where the weather is hottest and most humid are better conditioned than those in more moderate climates,” said SwampButt Underwear spokesman and anonymous gambler Nick Heraldson. “Ask any runner, golfer, postal carrier, utility worker or garbage collector the difference performing their duties in summer heat compared to the day after the first cold front blows through and they will universally declare that work is easier than when it is not as hot.” When asked if this information was anecdotal or based on sound social science investigations that were statistically valid Heraldson replied, “it’s valid enough.”
The SwampButt Underwear Scale of Sultry for Week Four
Scale of Sultry Rating 2
Advantage Texas Tech
RealFeel® 83°. RealFeel Shade™ 77° Mostly sunny WindSW 5 mph Wind Gusts14 mph
Humidity35% Dew Point48° Probability of Precipitation3% Precipitation0.00 in Cloud Cover23% Visibility10 mi
– The Red Raiders come from the plains of West Texas where Horned Frogs and Gilah Monsters suffer from heat exhaustion. Lubbock, Texas is hot, dry, windy and sandy. So much so that cars and outdoor industrial tanks get sand blasted and ready for painting every day. Tumble weeds of the Lubbock Plains leave town as fast as possible. Look at them rolling out at an ever quickening pace. The conditions in Utah Saturday afternoon will be ‘fall like’ for the team from Texas. Texas Tech wins big.
Scale of Sultry Rating 3
Advantage Maryland
Afternoon 9/20 80° RealFeel® 84° RealFeel Shade™ 78°
Partly sunny and warm with a couple of showers WindSE 7 mph Wind Gusts18 mph
Humidity62% Dew Point62° Probability of Precipitation60% Precipitation0.03 in Rain0.03 in
Cloud Cover54% Visibility9 mi.
– The weather in Maryland and Wisconsin this weekend will be about the same in each place. The difference is what it was like back in August during fall training camp in each respective locale. The U.S. northeast is pretty gross in summer as proximity to the Atlantic Ocean and the earth’s sun make it hot and steamy. Summers in the dells of Wisconsin are pleasant enough to eschew air conditioning. The Terps (a warm weather reptile) will prevail over the fur covered fattened up for hibernation season Badgers.
Scale of Sultry Rating 5
Advantage Clemson
86° RealFeel® 92° RealFeel Shade™ 85° Partly sunny and humid WindSSE 5 mph Wind Gusts15 mph
Humidity61% Dew Point64° Probability of Precipitation25% Precipitation0.00 in Cloud Cover43% Visibility10 mi
– The only thing keeping the Scale of Sultry Rating at 5 and not a 6 or even 7 is the cloud cover and breeze. Syracuse in New York State has some of the nicest and most comfortable summer temperatures anywhere. Great for picnics and hikes but not for the conditioning football players to travel south. Because of the heat and humidity, South Carolina is a great place to raise mold. But moldy or not the Tigers will be better conditioned to play and play well for four quarters. The Orange from Syracuse will wilt even in these moderate (for the area) conditions and succumb to the Clemson Tigers. It will be over early. Tigers’ subs will get a lot of reps in the second half.
Scale of Sultry Rating 8
Advantage UCF
88°Hi RealFeel® 102° RealFeel Shade™ 94°
Partly sunny and humid with a thunderstorm in spots from late morning throughout the day/
Max UV Index8.0 (Very High) AccuLumen Brightness Index™9 (Very Bright).
WindNE 8 mph Wind Gusts23 mph Probability of Precipitation55% Probability of Thunderstorms33%
Precipitation0.08 in Rain0.08 in Hours of Precipitation1 Hours of Rain1 Cloud Cover37%.
– Florida is the capitol of sultry conditions here in the U.S. The ‘RealFeel® 102° RealFeel Shade™ 94°’ are all that anyone needs to know about how to dress for this game. North Carolinians are no strangers to heat and humidity, but they do not experience 11 months of the relentless and ever-present summer every year the way Floridians do. The brightness of FBC Mortgage Stadium in Orlando is made worse because it is constructed with recycled lawn furniture. That stadium will be like a solar oven. UCF wins while Tar Heels and those in attendance lose big.
Scale of Sultry Rating 6
Advantage Virginia
80°Hi RealFeel® 84° RealFeel Shade™ 79° Not as warm with plenty of sunshine; a beautiful start to the weekend
Max UV Index6.0 (High) AccuLumen Brightness Index™9 (Very Bright) WindNE 7 mph Wind Gusts20 mph
Probability of Precipitation12% Probability of Thunderstorms0% Precipitation0.00 in Cloud Cover6%
– A clear ‘cool’ day by Virginia standards but heat warning worthy for Northern California. The Cavaliers will all be fresh as daisy’s come the end of the fourth quarter while the Stanford Cardinal will be molting and melting all at once. Virginia will rise again.
Northern Illinois at Mississippi State
Scale of Sultry 9
Advantage Mississippi State
90°Hi RealFeel® 98° RealFeel Shade™ 91° Intervals of clouds and sun with a couple of showers and a thunderstorm
Max UV Index5.0 (Moderate) AccuLumen Brightness Index™6 (Medium) WindNE 2 mph Wind Gusts8 mph
Probability of Precipitation88% Probability of Thunderstorms53% Precipitation0.31 in Rain0.31 in
Hours of Precipitation3.5 Hours of Rain3.5 Cloud Cover70%.
– The deep south is known for a heritage of heat rash, diaper rash, prickly heat and chub rub. The only thing that keeps this from being a Scale of Sultry rating of 10 is the slight breeze from the north. The team from Northern Illinois will suffer from the heat. Anyone can tell that from the word ‘Northern’ in the directional title of this Illinois school. The Bulldogs will pant and bark their way to a bowl, full of water at the end of the game. Good dog!
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes and sells underwear for men. And we really like college football. Founded in the sweltering heart of Texas, SwampButt Underwear designs performance undergarments for men who sweat — a lot. All SwampButt Underwear is made in Texas. With a brand voice as bold as its fabric technology, SwampButt Underwear helps its customers fight embarrassing perspiration with comfort, honesty, and a little humor. SwampButt Underwear™ is trademarked. United States and foreign countries. It was really expensive so please do not use it without permission.
CAPTION: SwampButt Underwear will again when it comes to the conditions in addition to giving the game a ‘Scale of Sultry’ numeric rating. The rating assess college football conditions that takes multiple weather variables and turns them into an easy-to-understand scale.