SwampButt Predictions for College Football Week Six…
The SwampButt Underwear ‘Scale of Sultry’ is a very unscientific way the funniest men’s underwear company in the country, predicts the outcome of college football games based on the type of weather the teams’ homes have. The hotter and more humid locations, the theory goes, the better conditioned that team will be. The better conditioned team will win, more often than not. The ‘scale’ does not consider won-loss records, coaching, former coaching, or anything other than the weather. While the ‘scale’ went a disappointing 2-4 in week 5, it is still 12-6 for the season. “That’s still a pretty not terrible record,” according to SwampButt Underwear’s corporate spokesman Nick Heraldson.
Week 6 College Football Games for the Overheated include the following matchups.
Kansas State at Baylor
Waco, TX is one of the most unappealing places in the state of Texas, and that is saying something. While warm weather is known to happen a lot and often in Manhattan, KS the weather and temperatures cannot come near as ridiculously crappy as they are in Waco. But there is more to Waco than heat related rashes and stank. Positive things about Baylor and Waco, TX: plenty of parking at the 24-hour Walmart. Negatives about Waco: no alcohol, none. “Baylor is a Baptist school. Baptists eschew intoxicating liquors,” said SwampButt Underwear spokes-robot and dude about to lose his AA Chip, Nick Heraldson. “Baptists believe that drinking can lead to dancing, which they also forbid. Talk about a fun bunch,” he quipped sarcastically.
Forecast:
Mostly sunny and warm
RealFeel®93°
RealFeel Shade™88°
Max UV Index6.0 (High)
WindSE 7 mph
Advantage Baylor.
Oklahoma State at Arizona
The heat of the desert will burn the Cowboys, real bad.
Forecast:
Plenty of sunshine
RealFeel®92°
RealFeel Shade™88°
Max UV Index6.0 (High)
WindSW 7 mph
Advantage Arizona
Vanderbilt at Alabama
Temperatures in the 80’s are as close to ‘fall’ as it gets in the deep south. “It will have ‘bama fans wearing those Carhartts and gloves,” Heraldson predicted. But he was not finished and shared this tortured analogy. “Remember all the ‘Vacation’ movies with Chevy Chase, Beverly DeAngelo and Randy Quaid?” he asked. Quaid played ‘Cousin Eddy, who was a chronically unemployed, unkept, and unwelcome visitor to the Clark’s,” he went on. “Now, in this matchup, Alabama is ‘Cousin Eddy’ and Vanderbilt is the ‘Clark’s’ but without Beverly DeAngelo but with Anderson Cooper, but a whole lot snootier.” He then predicted, “the blue blood of the ‘Commodes’ is too thick for Alabama.” “Roll Cousin Eddy.”
Forecast:
Partial sunshine
RealFeel®87°
RealFeel Shade™82°
Max UV Index5.0 (Moderate)
Wind E7
Advantage Alabama
Syracuse at SMU
Somehow the temperature at Gerald Ford Stadium (SMU) is not predicted to be as hot as it has been in the Dallas-Fort-Metroplex the last few days. “Similarly, the ponies are not as hot either,” Heraldson observed. The Orange were able to beat (surprise) a ranked Clemson team, but the string will run out Saturday afternoon as the heat-tested SMU Ponies will stampede the Orange in short order.
Forecast:
Warm and less humid with plenty of sunshine
RealFeel®91°
RealFeel Shade™87°
Max UV Index5.0 (Moderate)
WindSE 8 mph
Advantage SMU
Texas Tech at Houston
Texas Tech was an original member of the Big 12. In all those years (since 1994) the Red Raiders have never won a conference championship. Houston is in its second season as a member of the Big 12 and has as many conference football championships as the Raiders. Lubbock ranks second in terms of terrible Texas destinations, right behind Waco, TX. The heat, sand and tumble weeds always come with deserts (like Lubbock). The Red Raiders are heat tested, but the humidity and heat in Houston are both unbearable. “The heat and humidity in Houston will be so bad, the Raiders will swing their swords and get them rusty,” Heraldson said. “Flung tortillas will land with mold on them,” he further projected. “Wait, I got one more….”
Forecast:
Warm with plenty of sunshine
RealFeel®93°
RealFeel Shade™89°
Max UV Index6.0 (High)
WindE 8 mph
Advantage Houston.
Kansas at UCF
UCF is 3-1 for the season and 0-1 in Big 12 play. Kansas is 3-2 and 1-1 in the Big 12. The weather will undo the Jayhawks. “Kansas will have a ‘bad feather day’ inside the ‘Bounce House,’” Heraldson stated. “See, instead of a ‘bad hair day,’ I said ‘bad feather day.’ When asked why he would make such a stupid joke, Heraldson replied, “it was funnier when I wrote it.”
Forecast:
Partly sunny and humid with a couple of showers and a thunderstorm; any downpour can cause temporary flooding on roadways and poor drainage areas
RealFeel®88°
RealFeel Shade™84°
Max UV Index4.0 (Moderate)
WindENE 12 mph
Advantage UCF
About SwampButt Underwear and the Scale of Sultry The ‘Scale of Sultry’ is a numeric scale of 1 (not hot/humid or sultry at all) to 10 (unbearably hot and sultry like Singapore or Clute, TX) that takes game time temperature, humidity, wind direction, wind speed, cloud cover, and precipitation and assigns a single number. The premise is that schools in places where the weather is hottest and most humid are better conditioned than those in more moderate climates.
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes and sells underwear for men. And we really like college football. Founded in the sweltering heart of Texas, SwampButt Underwear designs performance undergarments for men who sweat — a lot. All SwampButt Underwear is made in Texas. With a brand voice as bold as its fabric technology, SwampButt Underwear helps its customers fight embarrassing perspiration with comfort, honesty, and a little humor. SwampButt Underwear™ is trademarked. United States and foreign countries. It was really expensive so please do not use it without permission.
Accuweather is the source of the weather information. Thank you.
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