September 23, 2025 – The SwampButt Underwear Scale of Sultry is 9-1 picking college football winners this season, based on the meteorological and climate conditions used to make these predictions. The results for this week (5-1) were impressive, but not perfect as they were the previous week. The ‘Scale of Sultry’ was originally designed to inform local fans what to expect at their respective stadiums in terms of heat and humidity. A numeric scale of 1 (not sultry at all) to 10 (unbearably sultry like Singapore or Clute, TX) takes game time temperature, humidity, wind direction, wind speed, cloud cover, and precipitation and assigns a single number. The premise is that schools in places where the weather is hottest and most humid are better conditioned than those in more moderate climates. Here are the outcomes for this week’s picks
Texas Tech 34 Utah 10
‘Scale of Sultry’ picked Tech and was correct!
Even with their backup quarterback, the Red Raiders and their superior conditioning born from the heat of West Texas, visited the cool mountains of Utah and spanked the previously unbeaten Utah, “what did you say” Utes. “Nothing like burpees and wind sprints done into the teeth of desert wind to add to the cardiovascular system and its ability to replace and pump oxygen through the bloodstream,” according to SwampButt Underwear spokesman Nick ‘oh I’m not a doctor’ Heraldson.
Maryland 27 Wisconsin 10
Scale of Sultry’ picked Maryland and was correct!
The Terps trounced the Badgers in part because Maryland is hot, humid and generally stickier than a melted Popsicle in summertime. The Badgers on the other hand had plenty working against them. Their quarterback Billy Edwards Jr. a transfer from Maryland, only played one series against his former team. The opposing coach was Luke Fickle whose tenure at Wisconsin has not met expectations, so far. The student section was virtually empty midway through the fourth quarter. Those things were important to the outcome. But doing the suicide drill in the stank of the port of Baltimore was the silver bullet the Terrapins used to propel themselves over their Big 10 opponent. “Actual terrapins (a type of reptile) thrive in the Maryland environment,” according to Heraldson. “So it is no wonder that the football team with the same name overcame the cool climate and less well conditioned Badgers.
Syracuse 34 Clemson 21
The Scale of Sultry picked Clemson and was wrong.
This was the first pick missed by the Scale of Sultry. Even the hotter, steamier weather could not rescue the underperforming Clemson Tigers that afternoon. The ACC fined Syracuse $25,000 and publicly reprimanded the school Monday for faking injuries at Clemson last weekend, calling its actions “unethical and contrary to the spirit of the rules.” While the ACC fined Syracuse no one who saw the game believed this was the difference. Clemson repeatedly hurt themselves in the first half on defense with two roughing the quarterback penalties and another unnecessary roughness call resulting in 45 yards and three Syracuse first downs in the first half alone. That’s not smart football. “It seems like Clemson is underperforming at every part of football and that includes the coaches and players,” Heraldson said. “Even the water boy could tighten it up a bit.”
North Carolina at UCF
UCF 34 North Carolina 9
The Scale of Sultry picked UCF and was correct
UNC Coach Bill Belichik is learning that coaching college kids is much more challenging than taking them out to dinner. To be fair, the cupboard was bare when coach b arrived, and Tom Brady is out of eligibility. The Golden Knights worked out in the Florida sun and was more than a match for the Tarheels whose milder climate is great for retired people but not for ripening oranges the way the Florida climate is. “It’s not for nothing that Florida is called the sunshine state,” Heraldson said. “I learned that when Anitia Bryant was pitching orange juice on the old Carson show.”
Stanford at Virginia
Virginia 48 Stanford 20
The Scale of Sultry picked UCF and was correct.
Northern California may have the most perfect weather on the planet. Florida does not. Florida has alligators, mosquitos, retired people and the habitat to match and serve all. Virginia quarterback Chandler Morris had his most productive game quarterbacking in a Virginia uniform, throwing for 380 yards and four touchdowns and running for another score. “Florida’s climate is the worst. I need a towel and shower in that order just walking to the car when I am there,” Heraldson said. “Orlando (where UCF is located) is home to amusement parks and the cheapest t-shirts available anywhere.” Plus, the sultriest weather that is perfect for conditioning football players and not for standing in line to ride ‘space mountain.’
Northern Illinois at Mississippi State.
Miss State 38 NIU 10
The Scale of Sultry picked Miss State and was correct.
The mascot for Northern Illinois is the Husky Dog. Husky Dogs are known for work in polar regions. Mississippi is known as a good backdrop for movies about prison escapes. The heat, stank and fact that Miss State is an SEC team and Directional Illinois is in the Mid-American conference also mattered. “This was sort of like running up the score for the Scale of Sultry,” Heraldson said. “Give credit to the Huskies for braving the heat, humidity and the superior talent at every position the team from ‘state had.” Did you know the Mississippi State’s nickname was once the ‘Maroons.’ “It was too easy to misspell ‘maroons’ and get ‘morons’ so there had to be a change,” Heraldson confirmed.
Overall, the Scale of Sultry is 9-1 picking winners based on the meteorological and climate conditions.
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes and sells underwear for men. And we really like college football. Founded in the sweltering heart of Texas, SwampButt Underwear designs performance undergarments for men who sweat — a lot. All SwampButt Underwear is made in Texas. With a brand voice as bold as its fabric technology, SwampButt Underwear helps its customers fight embarrassing perspiration with comfort, honesty, and a little humor. SwampButt Underwear™ is trademarked. United States and foreign countries. It was really expensive so please do not use it without permission.
CAPTION: SwampButt Underwear is 9-1 picking winners based on weather. The Scale of Sultry rating assess college football conditions that takes multiple weather variables and turns them into an easy-to-understand scale.