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While public and private schools forced their staffs, students, and teachers to return to studies, with plenty of good summer days remaining, colleges and universities followed with the start of the ‘fall’ semester the back half of August and have everyone Sweating Out the Return Back to College. And whether returning for the first time or the 7th time, the only place it is truly fall is where the word is printed. The reality is it’s hot and it’s hot because it is still summer. High temperatures lead to sweating and sweating leads to visible butt sweat, and a lot of other anti-social, bad first impression, even parents were embarrassed for you, moments.
Below is a list of likely pitfalls when returning to campus and how to prepare for or avoid them.
1. To Make a Good First Impression, Leave Your Parents at Home. Unless mom and/or dad or designated weekend parent has superior upper body strength (that is handy lugging your stuff upstairs to the dorm), the best place for them is elsewhere. “The people who know their students best are the ones who can tell embarrassing stories about that ‘awkward’ phase you just wrapped-up, how you were five years old before you started talking and/or walking, or how you wet yourself the first day of Kindergarten and you hope that doesn’t happen now, ha ha ha. So leave them at home,” said frequent matriculator and SwampButt Underwear spokesperson, Nick Heraldson. He says this with good reason because everyone is Sweating Out the Return Back to College.
“here is no upside to your new neighbors in the dorm hearing about embarrassing stuff parents are prone to overshare with complete strangers. Heraldson then went on, “parents can blurt out embarrassing things like how you were bad at sports or, how that new shampoo really cut down on your dandruff, but your breath is still an issue, and how you had to take mom/sister/other family member to the prom because no one else would agree to go, or blather on about out some other mortifying souvenir from childhood.” Heraldson advised. “Just keep them at home. It’s better for everyone, especially you.”
2. If Parents Insist on Accompanying Students to Move In. Do not allow mom/dad/weekender parent-stand-in to park in awkward places that cause inconvenience for everyone except them. These parking designations include handicap spaces, sidewalks, building entrances, foyers, outdoor eating areas, or spaces reserved for the resident advisor, faculty members or the dean. “To get off on the wrong foot with everyone then do one of these,” Heraldson cautioned. “Add ‘holding elevator doors while taking your crap to the room and then back’ to the list of why the parents should be home’.”
3. Do Some Physical Conditioning in Advance of the Move In. Some kids run, swim, play tennis, golf, ride horses, sail, study abroad and play baseball during the summer. “Those kids are at a school different from yours,” Heraldson advised. “Moving is strenuous and requires a lot of focused effort.” Which is a real challenge when Sweating Out the Return Back to College.
“Most American males who are college age are out of shape.” Heraldson continued, “so much so that walking to and frow with boxes, bags and duffels will have them grabbing their knees, turning red, and huffing and puffing like a COPD ad ‘before’ photo.”
But How Come Sweating Out the Return Back to College
The sedentary nature of video game play, fast food, monstrously sized energy drinks, and a lack of sleep all contribute to a bad body. Heraldson advises a steady, reasonable approach to getting fit prior to pre-dorm move in day. “Start by going outside when the sun is out. This will allow your eyes to adjust to natural light,” he said. “Then start some fitness drills. Try push-ups or in the case of most American young men, start with ‘pushup.’ Work up to doing one, then if the mood should strike, one more.”
Cardio fitness is another area that gets neglected in summer, because of the heat. “Let’s face it, the temperature has little to do with how spectacularly unfit these pie-wagon sized man-children are,” Heraldson said. “If junior struggles with being in sunlight and doing a single pushup, what are the odds he can run any further than to the ice cream truck, or lugging that trunk full of stuff upstairs, or even just ‘upstair.’ About zero, I’d say.”
The best course of action then is to gradually work up to the stresses and strains of move-in day. Instead of the drive-through, walk to the burger place or find someone who owns a bicycle and ride it there, with their prior permission. Or park the car at the end of the lot and walk to the ice cream parlor, the over-priced whipped cream/chocolate/coffee outlet or that place that still serves fried sugar and watch that heart and lung capacity grow to the high end of dangerously low. It’s amazing.
4. Avoid Conversation, Eye Contact or Interaction of Any Type. Everyone will be judging what is said, how it is said, facial expressions, involuntary ticks, or any verbal or non-verbal cue made or not made, whatsoever. “For those who believe this is something new, it’s not,” Heraldson stated. “This was due to the need for early humans to assess threats and react accordingly, so it is evolutionary and involuntary.”
Because of evolution, humans are forever observing, interpreting, categorizing and judging everything and everyone. In the 21st century if this seem irrational, it is. Instincts and reactions do not come from the frontal lobes where rational thought exists in the human brain. This part of the brain is the ‘newest’ and least evolved. Instead, these judgements come quickly from the subconscious and are made before anyone is aware of them, never mind think critically. “So just shut-up and everything will be fine,” Heraldson concluded.
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that manufactures, markets and sells a product that helps solve the problem of visible butt sweat. SwampButt Underwear is made in the USA from a blend of lycra/spandex with other anti-sweat and anti-odor components. SwampButt Underwear is trademarked in the U.S. and foreign countries. We paid a lot for it so please do not use the trademark without permission.Sweating Out the Return Back to College.