According to SwampButt Underwear Beards are Gross, It’s Time to Shave Yours Off

As beards are gross, what if there was a way to make a bold personal statement about fashion, independence, virility and at the same time capture and transport disease bearing microbes, samples of meals previously consumed, fecal matter and lice?

Male facial hair or just gross beards, as fashion reappeared around 2010.

Not just for hobos or Civil War re-enactors, beards sprouted up and out everywhere. What were the reasons for these fuzzy facial additions? Warmth was a reason to grow and keep a beard before the invention of scarves and hats. In some cultures, present and past, beards were a sign of strength, hunting skill, dominance, and virility. In other cultures, religious beliefs drove growth.

Regardless of culture, personal beliefs, or fashion there is one fact true about all beards and it is this, they are gross. Beards trap viruses, germs, and what you ate yesterday. Beards are known to have more biological negatives than dog fur.

Symbols of Masculinity and Filth

Beards are fashionable because they have symbolic value for masculinity, maturity, strength, and wisdom. Those symbols are reasons men grow them. But there are more, and better reasons related to personal hygiene and possibly health to shave them off or just not grow them.

Beards are gross, nasty, vile, germ-infested virus traps. “In the age of epidemics, pandemics, compulsive hand washing and airborne terribleness, a beard is among the last things to voluntarily grow,” said SwampButt Underwear spokesman and general fussbudget, Nick Heraldson.

“Can’t remember what you had for lunch three days ago? Check that beard. Along with days old lunch it’s the home of sweat, spit and uh, poo.”

That’s right. Beards host and are home of fecal matter. “For mask wearing beard people, you may not be inhaling your neighbors expelled sneeze droplets, but you are getting a snoot full of poop, possibly not your own,” Heraldson exclaimed. The beard’s connection to health (bad health) is not new. Americans forgetting about it is. An outbreak of Tuberculosis (TB)

Tuberculosis

TB was a scourge of humankind from the start. According to the PBS show on this subject and website, “Victims suffered from hacking, bloody coughs, debilitating pain in their lungs, and fatigue.” Then they died.

Heritage of Bad Beliefs, then Science

At one time, men believed that beards helped protect them from disease. Earlier in history men also believed in witchcraft, good luck charms and that the earth was flat. All of these were wrong. The earth is round, good luck charms have a spotty track record at best and witchcraft exists in early American history, books, movies and Stevie Nicks. Beards make the wearer resemble Zeus or Thor, but are where yuckiness and evil are born like Karl Marx or Bin Laden.

Just Science

In the late 19^th and early 20^th century germ theory and study affirmed how tuberculosis or TB was spread. Scientists who pioneered the field of germs were no less than Louis Pasteur and Robert Koch. Koch discovered the tuberculosis bacterium and ironically was photographed with a beard.

To fight TB, higher standards of cleanliness and personal hygiene were adopted. TB is rare in the 21^st century, but in the early 19^th killed a significant percentage of the population.

Better Science

More contemporary research affirms earlier findings (that’s how science is supposed to work). Dr Sunil Chopra of the London Dermatology Centre gives little credence to other scientists’ claims that beards bring health benefits, insisting there is actually more chance of infection with a beard than a clean-shaven face.

‘Facial hair is more likely to trap bacteria and food – the increased risk to hygiene is why British surgeons are advised to cover their beards when operating.’

Dr Bram Brons of HealthExpress.co.uk says neglected fuzz can lead to more

than just a tangled mess.”One of the biggest disadvantages is pubic lice, also known as crabs, that can live in beards,” he says. “If you don’t care for your beard, it will begin to smell in a similar way to a sweaty and unwashed armpit. The smell can be a sign that bacteria are living in the beard, and they could eventually cause a number of ailments.”

Why Beards are Popular

Male facial hair is sprouting up and out everywhere. The reasons for these fuzzy facial additions are many. In northern, cold weather climates men grew beards to keep their faces warm.

But global warming makes cold weather a less than plausible explanation for the recent whisker outcroppings. In some cultures, present and past, beards were a sign of strength, hunting skill, dominance, and virility. In other cultures, religious beliefs drove growth.

In some other cultures beards signaled a lack of hygiene, education, or trouble with living indoors.

Regardless of culture, personal beliefs, or fashion there is one fact true about all beards and it is this, they are gross. Beards trap viruses, germs, and what you ate yesterday. Beards are known to have more biological negatives than dog fur.

SwampButt Underwear(TM) is a real company that manufactures a real product that helps keep the backsides of men who over sweat below the belt line dryer. They may be good for covering coughs and sneezes, we do not know at this writing. SwampButt Underwear is trademarked in the U.S. and foreign countries. We paid a lot for it so please use with permission only.