New Post Season Award for College Football… SwampButt Underwear Introduces the ‘Turnover-Turnover’ Award
- On October 6, 2020
New Post Season Award for College Football…
SwampButt Underwear Introduces the ‘Turnover-Turnover’ Award. In an age where everyone gets a trophy, it was time to point out a season’s worth of botch, failure and flop. Introducing the ‘SwampButt Underwear Turnover-Turnover.’ The ‘Turnover-Turnover’ or T2 will go to the team and player who has fumbled, booted, dropped, misplaced, had intercepted or just plain given the ball away to the other team the most times during the course of the shortened college football season. “Most awards honor success,” said SwampButt Underwear spokesman and bitter underachiever Nick Heraldson. “Ours punishes failure.”
Snowflakes on the Sidelines
Many college football and sports fans in general are tired of all the awards, post season praise, and now on field celebrations for a takeaway. The ‘Turnover-Turnover’ is the antithesis of all these manufactured revels. “We’ve all seen the ‘turnover chain’ at Miami plus all the other silly awards doled out during the game like so many participation trophies,” Heraldson said. “This to athletes who since they were old enough to wear cleats were told how great and special they were. ” Heraldson went on, “plus, all the commendation, hugs and gold star stickers received for doing just the normal everyday stuff like wearing clothes or using a fork. Time to learn at least one harsh lesson in life of which you were previously deprived.”
Turnovers are Way Worse the Anyone Thinks
Turning the ball over in football is among the most consequential acts in any sport. In the realm of the unforced error, its ripples rock the boats of entire institutions and households. “If you as a player are responsible for a turnover, you’ve let down the whole team, the coaches and their families, along with fans, students, faculty and staff,” Heraldson ranted. “Those are people with children to feed. And you put livelihoods at risk because you lost the ball in the sun, the lights, or focus. For shame.”
Stupid and Stupider
For anyone who thinks the SwampButt Underwear Introduces the ‘Turnover-Turnover’ Award is silly consider what is already done. Alabama, Colorado State and Ole Miss all use wrestling title belts to celebrate a takeaway. Florida State has a turnover backpack which looks as dumb as it sounds. Boise State has the turnover thrown (like for royalty to sit upon) and no one knows what to call what SMU does. The T2 is not as much an ‘award’ as it is a harsh lesson in pastry form. “The taste of T2 will be bittersweet,” Heraldson advised. “The after taste of failure along with fruit filling.”
Celebration? Are You Kidding?
Heraldson and his cohorts at SwampButt Underwear do not believe this recognition is worthy of an event as that is not the point. “It’s not the point,” he lectured. “We will have someone play taps, or something that’s somber the day of the announcement. And hopefully it will be raining.” When asked about sending T2 to the ‘winner’ Heraldson hesitated. “That’s a sticky problem,” Heraldson said. “We could pack it really well and mail it to the winner, but ants always get inside any box of sweets.” When reminded that he worked at a company that specialized in direct mailing merchandise and that this should be something easy to manage, Heraldson looked amused. “Come on man,” he intoned.
About SwampButt Underwear
SwampButt Underwear is a real company that makes and sells a problem solving product. SwampButt Underwear is located in Lake Jackson, Texas. SwampButt Underwear is perfect for the guy who has sweat issues south of the belt or just likes to be comfortable. SwampButt Underwear was created to draw sweat away from the skin, and are made here in the USA with 91% polyester and 9% spandex. SwampButt Underwear™ is a registered trademark in the USA and other countries. We paid a lot for it so please do not use it without permission.
CAPTION: The Turnover-Turnover shown here will go to the college football team who gave the ball to the other team more than any other. It is the anti-award in a field crowded with actual awards.