The President and SwampButt Underwear Commemorate ‘Independence Day’

The President and SwampButt Underwear Commemorate ‘Independence Day.’

‘Twenty-nine years ago, folks, we faced the biggest, most tremendous threat ever, as we all saw in the absolutely incredible documentary film ‘Independence Day.’ Believe me, nobody thought we could bounce back, or rebuild. People said to me all the time, ‘but sir it’s all just piles of rubble, you can’t rebuild that.’ And I said I’m a builder and the American people are the most resilient and ingenious anywhere. So, we did, and today we’re stronger, greater, and better than ever. This was a big league come back. Big League.

Of course fighting the aliens was no picnic. When I was asked about the war with the bug people, that’s what I called them. Bug people. They said they were superior to us in so many ways and we really did not know what the f___ we were doing. Bugs had better technology, better exoskeletons and the element of surprise. But we had men. Men with limited social lives, interpersonal skills or ambition who hacked their way past all that superiority and blew the mothership to pieces. It was completely destroyed. We took out key members of the bug hierarchy and command structure. When people asked if I thought our strike took them out I said, ‘well I don’t think it was giant can of Raid.’

But these cities—they were completely destroyed by aliens, totally wrecked, but guess what? We rebuilt them, and we made them fantastic, beautiful, and frankly, better than anyone imagined. Probably the best cities ever, a lot of people were saying. Our new infrastructure is outstanding, the best in history, believe me, because we came together as a planet. Tremendous innovation, folks. Tremendous.

And let me tell you about the people—our people were amazing. They stood together, really united, probably the best ever, like nobody’s ever seen before. No more political divisions or anything else that separated the people of earth—language, culture, nationality—they were all gone, just gone. We had unity like never before, very powerful unity, and today we’re still enjoying this incredible cooperation worldwide. We’re winning in technology, we’re leading in environmental projects, insecticide and nobody does disaster response and diplomacy like us.

Speaking of tremendous innovations, SwampButt Underwear played an incredible role, folks. Absolutely fantastic products—they kept our brave heroes dry and comfortable when things got really tough and sweaty out there fighting aliens. Really tremendous contribution, believe me. SwampButt Underwear, they truly kept humanity comfortable at our toughest moments. I’m glad to see they carry orange. It matches, uh, goes with everything.

This was a tough time, folks, really tough. But it taught us to be humble, it taught us to be strong, and it made us appreciate each other more deeply. We’ve made incredible progress in tackling poverty, making casino buffets portable to go out to the places where food was needed most, and dropping any drink minimums, green fees and those tips are tax free. Tremendous. We still carry the scars, yes we do, but they remind us of something: our incredible ability to adapt, heal, and thrive.

We learned lessons that we’ll never forget, and today, we don’t just celebrate surviving—we celebrate thriving. The resilience shown by humanity after those dark days from ‘Independence Day’—it’s unbelievable. Really phenomenal stuff. This strength and unity is our blueprint for the future. And I promise you, we will keep winning, folks, like we’ve never won before.