SwampButt Underwear Founder Finishes Race In Record Time

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SwampButt Underwear Founder Finishes Race In Record Time. SwampButt Underwear president and founder Harold Nicoll finished the “4 Miles On The 4th” run with the slowest time recorded in the history of this or any race since the invention of paved surfaces. As organizers were loading the chairs and tables from the registration area, Nicoll “ran” across the finish line. “At first we thought it was a straggler or someone just goofing around,” said run organizer Karl “no not that Carl” Lewis. “Then we saw he had a number on his shirt and I was like daaaaamn, that’s just embarrassing.” In his defense, Nicoll is an asthmatic with most of his colon missing. While colons have nothing to do with running (unlike lungs and asthma) he maintains that this somehow affected his time. “I’d do better if my colon was still there,” he wheezed.

SwampButt Underwear president and founder Harold Nicoll at the end of the Dow Firecracker 4.
SwampButt Underwear president and founder Harold Nicoll at the end of the Dow Firecracker 4.

The one positive from the race for Nicoll was his relatively dry backside. Nicoll wore SwampButt Underwear performance brand and it was a good thing. The temperature at 7:30 a.m. when the race started was 82 degrees with the humidity at 93% and little wind, about the same as Singapore, Kuwala Lumpur or Miami. The combination of  heat and humidity made the heat index over 90 degrees, making this a very sultry “sprint” though the streets of Lake Jackson, TX. “Next year, I’ll train more for this event, Nicoll promised. ‘Not like this year.”
The Dow Firecracker 4 is a 4 mile run and 2 mile walk that has grown from 9 runners when it was first held in 1974 to more than 300 participants in 2014. The Dow Chemical Company is the Title Sponsor, and participants will receive a high-quality T-shirt and a special gift from Dow. The BASF Kids Run is available free of charge for kiddos under age 12.
To purchase SwampButt Underwear visit the store. There is a link to it on the side of the page, or maybe it’s on top. Who can remember anything?